Trust a mother’s intuition

This holiday season was supposed to go a whole lot different. Have you ever had expectations and planned and gotten so ready for something that gets ripped right out of your grasp with out warning? Slips out of your fingertips and you have no chance in gripping on to save it?

We were 3 weeks away from trimester 2. 3 weeks away from announcing. 11 weeks pregnant. See images of the excitement before this story unfolds. Our little bean was so loved by many from the beginning. Parents planning to be grandparents, siblings planning to become aunt and uncles. Close friends planning to meet this bundle of joy.

I will never forget this. I had to leave for a work trip came home on 11/16 with flight delays and a crazy travel day back. When I returned I went to bed and just had a feeling, anxiety. That I needed to hear the heartbeat. So reached out to my nurse and she got me in. My husband couldn’t make the appointment because he had to work. He was texting me and asked me To record the heartbeat. See texts below.

From then on the texts got different…

This was the first and only time my husband was unable to make any appointments.

The dr came in and used a exterior ultrasound instead of the heartbeat finder in the picture above. The obgyn is talking to me. Making conversation and taking a while to tell me anything. I could see it in his face. He was squinting and just keeps moving around. Finally with a crack in my voice ask is everything is ok. The dr indicated that he can’t find the heartbeat, but… that I’m still in the first trimester so he wants to confirm with a internal ultrasound. My brain did not know what to do at this point other than to prepare. Prepare anything, this could be the worst news. So while I waited and he rushed the order. I called my husband and told him to leave work right now and head to the dr. The texts now went to updates on where he was. 4 min out, in elevator, coming in… texted my mom. Prepared her because I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk later if this is reality. The Dr asked if I wanted my husband there. I replied that he’s on his way, however we need answers now.

Ultrasound comes in, with two nurses to witness. The DR. does another ultrasound. This time shows me. The baby was measuring a week smaller than it should have been. No blood flow through the umbilical cord and no heartbeat. Baby was face down… so much bigger too. I could see a head, side of a face, arms, legs, feet, hands… but nothing was beating… just like that. Our world ended. With the ultrasound wand still in there I burst into tears hysterically. 3 people in the room rushed up to me the nurses and the dr and just hugged me while I wept.

They left me alone to cry and wait for my husband. The nurse that made the appointment, that is my pregnancy nurse, came in crying asking if I needed anything or if I needed someone to be with me. I told her “no, I just want to be alone” between tears.

My husband finally gets in. I wipe off the tears. He looks hopeful and says “yeah?!” And all I could muster was to shake my head no and fall into him crying in his arms. His knees buckled and he scream cried like I had never heard this man hurt before. He was broken and I was crushed. I immediately told him “I’m so sorry”. I felt like I had let him, the most important guy to me, down.

While still grasping the news. My husband and I still glued to each other weeping. Holding onto each other for dear life it felt like. The Dr came back in and looked at us with the most sadness and respect I’ve ever seen a DR do. Since my husband wasn’t there for the ultrasound and I at this point was seconds away from puking into a trash can from the amount of devastation my body was experiencing the DR explained everything to my husband and then went over options from here on out. We had what’s called a missed miscarriage, silent miscarriage. Which means no symptoms. Your body doesn’t get the message that you’re no longer pregnant. You actually still have all the symptoms and it can take 6-8 weeks carrying a dead baby for your body to get the picture and try to expel the baby. The problem is that the highest risk waiting is infection and death. Emotionally the dr with my history of loss didn’t want me holding and carrying a dead baby that long. They highly suggested the suction surgery.

“In the USA we have the highest miscarriage rates out of any other country. The rate of a miscarriage at 6-12 weeks is only 5% and between week 1-2 is 75% which is where I’ve sat before now. Now I’m in that 5% with a rarer 2% type of miscarriage. So strange and just hope I can overcome this.” From me to my mom the day after we found out.

On Wednesday the day before thanksgiving we went on our way to have the baby removed.

Leading up to this the hospital would call and ask questions to prepare for the surgery. The call with the nurse was so nice. They were so sensitive to what I was having done. Gave advice too and warned me that they will for legal reasons all day ask me when in the hospital what procedure I’m having done. The nurse wanted to mentally prepare me for that. Which I appreciate. The anesthesia call went great. The call with the person confirming where I go went great.

The call that didn’t go great was the call the night before telling me how much I owed to have my dead baby removed. Then asking me how much I wanted to pay right then and there. I started crying on the phone which is so unlike me. The lady was caught off guard. “Mrs flora, are you ok?” She asks. Fighting through the tears with broken speech “no, this wasn’t planned. Can I please have time to talk to my husband and decide how we want to pay for this?” Keep in mind she said the procedure I was having in the beginning of the call.

To pause: The procedure was called a D&C also known as the same procedure they do for abortions… none of this at all sat well with me.

Was not ready for that. Really any of this.

What was going though my mind? Fear that I would die in the procedure. Fear that I will never get pregnant again. Fear that We will never become parents ever. Fear that the emotional pain and the physical pain will consume me. Blame that this is my fault. Blame that if I would have done things differently that the baby would still be alive. And much much more.

Felt a rush of love from family and closest friends that are basically family.

Flowers from my husband and flowers to us from my parents.

There has not been a day we both haven’t cried. Or haven’t smiled a lot.

Wednesday morning. It’s here. Today’s the day we say goodbye…

We checked in at the hospital.

Everything about the hospital visit was smooth and super private. The dr didn’t want me remembering anything of this experience so they did put me completely under for the procedure. They kept the privacy curtain up the entire time during pre op and post op. The Dr came in and did one last ultrasound to confirm. We were praying for a miracle but there were none to be found. This time the baby wasn’t face down which made the image in my mind better. However, this was done again without my husband back there yet. That’s the one thing I would have changed. You need your spouse there for that. They deserve just as much to see that. (We are asking for images for my husband).

They took blood to run Karyotype screening.

This was during the pre op getting me prepped before my husband could come back and see me off.

When the nurse was hooking me up I would just cry randomly. She wouldn’t say anything. Just hand me tissues. They were so respectful and nice.

Was time to go. Kissed my husband and out I went. They had already given me anxiety medicine to help with any fear.

Got into the room and all I remember is having to switch tables and then they gave me oxygen and I was out.

Woke up in the recovery room and just cried and cried and cried. Telling the nurses how devastated I was. How much We love that baby bean. (We had nicknamed the baby bean after a nickname my husband gave me years ago “lover bean ” )

My Husband was allowed back and we just sat there in silence.

Now after everything is over. The feeling of emotions rush all the time. There isn’t a day we don’t cry. There isn’t a moment that goes by that we don’t think of the baby. With the genetic testing the drs are doing with the baby we will honor the baby with a name and knowing the gender and will announce it eventually.

The genetic testing is a very through series of tests that will let us know more. We could find out the baby was fine and that it just didn’t survive. At that point our fertility specialist is prepared to test other things on us to help us find answers. This may be the 4th miscarriage. This may be the farthest we have gotten. This does not mean we are giving up the fight.

The genetic testing looks at chromosome abnormalities and infection that could have caused the babies death. These results can take 6-8 weeks.

With so much emotion my husband wanted to join the blog with his perspective. I honestly don’t know what I would do with out him. He’s been there everytime I need him. Every cry.

Stay tuned for part II from Husband Flora.

Stay classy and know you’re not alone,

A Flora