Tools That Dr’s Recommend When Trying To Conceive.

Upon this whole journey a part of you just wants to see results immediately. Especially if you’ve been trying years and years. Oh who am I kidding, all of you, the complete whole of you wants to see results right now.

After going to the Dr. and getting tests done and trying different things she highly recommended Clearblue Advanced Digital Ovulation Test, Predictor Kit, featuring Advanced Ovulation Tests with digital results.

After beginning this blog and reaching out to Clearblue personally they decided to go above and beyond in support. They agreed to sponsor our journey, if we tried their newest product and did a blog and amazon review. With that said they sent the newer, very impressive, Clearblue Connected Ovulation Test System Featuring Bluetooth connectivity and Advanced Ovulation Tests with Digital Results.

Personally What we loved was the amount of tests that come in the kit, Clearblue supplies enough tests to last you more than just one ovulation cycle. More for your money.

We also enjoyed the ease of stress! With the way that it connects to your phone you and your spouse can keep track as well, it takes the “chore” out of TTC!

Biggest tip is to only try when you’re at the peak! And higher. Makes the stress lower and helps you only concentrate on your most fertile days. This Connected ovulation test system finds these days for you!

We were able to conceive the first time using this product. So we highly highly recommend.

When TTC it can be stressful to know what day is the right day, and what products to use and if to use any. What brand is the right brand and etc. Using a standard ovulation kit without the digital read and connectivity makes it challenging to really know when high or peak is. Made us have so many misses on trying to conceive! Using the clear blue connected ovulation kit it enables you to know when is your most fertile days so that you don’t miss that opportunity! The instructions are very easy to follow.

My husband and I feel that clear blue has Made trying so much less stressful! Try them out today!

Thank you clear blue!

Stay tuned for more blogs on what to use and how to use it!

Memories That Never Were

My wife asked that I write my perspective of our recent miscarriage. I was afraid to do so because I don’t share. I hold it in till it goes away. I needed this. Thank you for asking me to do this. I love you. 

The sonogram from the day our world fell apart

Sitting at the kitchen table with my kid, working on the home work waiting on Mom to finish dinner, the sun setting out the window. Or packing up for a family trip to go camping… in the back yard because our little one is too scared of the dark to make it in the woods. To sit down next to the bed at night just to watch our kid sleep. These are the memories that never were that I had torn away from me.

One week before I found my self racing to the doctor fighting back a freak out filled with sobs and hoping for just a simple scare, my wife had said on multiple occasions that she just didn’t “feel pregnant”. I passed this off as “just a good day” for her symptoms. I mean who would complain about NOT having nausea, being tired, tenderness everywhere? Plus, “you are pregnant, duh, we saw our little bean like 2 weeks ago!” 118 beats per minute from that tiny heart. I would tell her everything was fine and to relax, and later that day the symptoms would eventually return and she could finally exhale a little and relax. Finally, she couldn’t take it and needed to go to the doctor to make sure our Bean was okay. 

I had come home for lunch that day and used all my break to spend some time with her. She told me she was going to the doctor to make sure but the thought never even crossed my mind of what we were about to encounter. I told her to call me when she was done and let me know what they said. After this, everything gets blurry. I remember getting back to work and only an hour or so later getting a call from her. Hearing her voice crack, she told me they had not found the heart beat through the external ultra sound and were going to do an internal. I felt every bit of blood fall out of my face, as quickly as turning a glass upside down. With out hesitation I turned of my computer, went to my boss and simply said, “I have to go, I have an emergency.” Not even giving my self time to finish that sentence, I was already turning around to leave his office. 

I missed 3 different exits on my way. I was physically behind the wheel, I was aware of my surroundings, but I was mentally blank. It is so strange, I wasn’t thinking, at all. My mind had frozen with fear. I couldn’t even focus enough to ‘hope for the best’. This is the only time in my entire life that I have entirely gone blank like this. Finally, I snapped back to this world and made it to the doctors office. Still not entirely aware and no where near prepared. I rode what seemed to be the slowest the elevator up to the third floor and busted in the door and just walked up the counter and all that came out was my wife’s name. The nurse jumped up and walked me through the door, and back to the room she was in with out saying a word, I don’t think all I could hear was the thousands of thoughts now, my mind trying to catch up. 

Laying on the couch with the warmth of our babies body heating up my chest. Fighting over who’s turn it was to change the diaper. Getting to finally understand a love beyond any feeling imaginable as it has always been described to me before. I had no idea I was about to have to forget all of these memories that I had already made for myself long before they ever even happened. Loss is inevitable in life. We will all lose something or someone in our lives. Nothing I have ever lost took so much away from me so quickly. 

We never even got to start this journal – that is the picture it came with

I walked in to an empty exam room where only my wife sat. I looked into the saddest eyes I have ever seen and felt my heart tear into shreds as she could only shake her head no. No. There was no heart beat. No. There was no good answer to why. No. There was nothing she or I could do to change what we had just learned. No. I couldn’t make all the memories I was dreaming of come to life. No. The doctor couldn’t perform some miracle and give me back those memories. Our baby didn’t make it. Our baby, our baby we never even got to meet, to hold, to put our finger in its hand so it could squeeze it like the smallest but most powerful hug we had ever felt, had died.

I have not cried like I did in this moment ever. Nothing has ever hurt like this hurt. I have lost family, friends, co-workers – never has it felt so painful. 

Over the next few days I battled between sadness, out right anger, denial, pretending things were normal when I was out in public, trading off with my wife who cried and who held the other so they could cry. All of this while accepting that in less than a week it would be official, they were going to take our baby from us. This is how this procedure, the D & C made me feel. I knew it was a terrible way to view what was happening, but it was all my heart would let me feel. Someone was going to surgically take our child from our lives. Terrified of how this would affect my wife afterwards, to have a constant day in and day out reminder with absolutely no escape, no chance to pretend she isn’t physically and mentally in pain. How can this be? 

As she recovers from this procedure, knowing how badly she hurts, everywhere; mind body and soul, destroys me. I try to understand what she must feel – Imagine someone shadowing you everywhere, making sure that you never stop thinking about the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Every second saying “Hey, don’t forget about this…” Not to mention this person is ripping apart your insides at the same time to add physical pain to the mental anguish.

I used to have the joy of taking care of her because she was growing our own little human. Now I take care of her because it was taken from us. Something as happy as watching a dad and his daughter walking through the grocery store brings tears to my eyes and my heart skip followed by sadness. This is not easy for either of us in many of the same ways, but some very different. I have my ‘husbandly duty’ to protect my wife from any and everything…and now I am helpless to fix this. She had the physical procedure, and yet we are both in pain. We are both recovering. Who takes care of who? This is exactly what people mean when they say the best way to make a marriage last is team work. I couldn’t survive this with out her. And she with out me. 

 Ornament  in honor of  our Bean

I have only just started to accept our state of things. I am able to begin to look to the future. We will make it. There will be another chance to start dreaming up new memories while we wait to meet our new addition. I know this in my heart. But for now, we heal. We recover. We love each other and trade off who holds the other and who cries. And I will always remember my memories that never were. 

Thank you for listening…I needed it.  

Trust a mother’s intuition

This holiday season was supposed to go a whole lot different. Have you ever had expectations and planned and gotten so ready for something that gets ripped right out of your grasp with out warning? Slips out of your fingertips and you have no chance in gripping on to save it?

We were 3 weeks away from trimester 2. 3 weeks away from announcing. 11 weeks pregnant. See images of the excitement before this story unfolds. Our little bean was so loved by many from the beginning. Parents planning to be grandparents, siblings planning to become aunt and uncles. Close friends planning to meet this bundle of joy.

I will never forget this. I had to leave for a work trip came home on 11/16 with flight delays and a crazy travel day back. When I returned I went to bed and just had a feeling, anxiety. That I needed to hear the heartbeat. So reached out to my nurse and she got me in. My husband couldn’t make the appointment because he had to work. He was texting me and asked me To record the heartbeat. See texts below.

From then on the texts got different…

This was the first and only time my husband was unable to make any appointments.

The dr came in and used a exterior ultrasound instead of the heartbeat finder in the picture above. The obgyn is talking to me. Making conversation and taking a while to tell me anything. I could see it in his face. He was squinting and just keeps moving around. Finally with a crack in my voice ask is everything is ok. The dr indicated that he can’t find the heartbeat, but… that I’m still in the first trimester so he wants to confirm with a internal ultrasound. My brain did not know what to do at this point other than to prepare. Prepare anything, this could be the worst news. So while I waited and he rushed the order. I called my husband and told him to leave work right now and head to the dr. The texts now went to updates on where he was. 4 min out, in elevator, coming in… texted my mom. Prepared her because I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk later if this is reality. The Dr asked if I wanted my husband there. I replied that he’s on his way, however we need answers now.

Ultrasound comes in, with two nurses to witness. The DR. does another ultrasound. This time shows me. The baby was measuring a week smaller than it should have been. No blood flow through the umbilical cord and no heartbeat. Baby was face down… so much bigger too. I could see a head, side of a face, arms, legs, feet, hands… but nothing was beating… just like that. Our world ended. With the ultrasound wand still in there I burst into tears hysterically. 3 people in the room rushed up to me the nurses and the dr and just hugged me while I wept.

They left me alone to cry and wait for my husband. The nurse that made the appointment, that is my pregnancy nurse, came in crying asking if I needed anything or if I needed someone to be with me. I told her “no, I just want to be alone” between tears.

My husband finally gets in. I wipe off the tears. He looks hopeful and says “yeah?!” And all I could muster was to shake my head no and fall into him crying in his arms. His knees buckled and he scream cried like I had never heard this man hurt before. He was broken and I was crushed. I immediately told him “I’m so sorry”. I felt like I had let him, the most important guy to me, down.

While still grasping the news. My husband and I still glued to each other weeping. Holding onto each other for dear life it felt like. The Dr came back in and looked at us with the most sadness and respect I’ve ever seen a DR do. Since my husband wasn’t there for the ultrasound and I at this point was seconds away from puking into a trash can from the amount of devastation my body was experiencing the DR explained everything to my husband and then went over options from here on out. We had what’s called a missed miscarriage, silent miscarriage. Which means no symptoms. Your body doesn’t get the message that you’re no longer pregnant. You actually still have all the symptoms and it can take 6-8 weeks carrying a dead baby for your body to get the picture and try to expel the baby. The problem is that the highest risk waiting is infection and death. Emotionally the dr with my history of loss didn’t want me holding and carrying a dead baby that long. They highly suggested the suction surgery.

“In the USA we have the highest miscarriage rates out of any other country. The rate of a miscarriage at 6-12 weeks is only 5% and between week 1-2 is 75% which is where I’ve sat before now. Now I’m in that 5% with a rarer 2% type of miscarriage. So strange and just hope I can overcome this.” From me to my mom the day after we found out.

On Wednesday the day before thanksgiving we went on our way to have the baby removed.

Leading up to this the hospital would call and ask questions to prepare for the surgery. The call with the nurse was so nice. They were so sensitive to what I was having done. Gave advice too and warned me that they will for legal reasons all day ask me when in the hospital what procedure I’m having done. The nurse wanted to mentally prepare me for that. Which I appreciate. The anesthesia call went great. The call with the person confirming where I go went great.

The call that didn’t go great was the call the night before telling me how much I owed to have my dead baby removed. Then asking me how much I wanted to pay right then and there. I started crying on the phone which is so unlike me. The lady was caught off guard. “Mrs flora, are you ok?” She asks. Fighting through the tears with broken speech “no, this wasn’t planned. Can I please have time to talk to my husband and decide how we want to pay for this?” Keep in mind she said the procedure I was having in the beginning of the call.

To pause: The procedure was called a D&C also known as the same procedure they do for abortions… none of this at all sat well with me.

Was not ready for that. Really any of this.

What was going though my mind? Fear that I would die in the procedure. Fear that I will never get pregnant again. Fear that We will never become parents ever. Fear that the emotional pain and the physical pain will consume me. Blame that this is my fault. Blame that if I would have done things differently that the baby would still be alive. And much much more.

Felt a rush of love from family and closest friends that are basically family.

Flowers from my husband and flowers to us from my parents.

There has not been a day we both haven’t cried. Or haven’t smiled a lot.

Wednesday morning. It’s here. Today’s the day we say goodbye…

We checked in at the hospital.

Everything about the hospital visit was smooth and super private. The dr didn’t want me remembering anything of this experience so they did put me completely under for the procedure. They kept the privacy curtain up the entire time during pre op and post op. The Dr came in and did one last ultrasound to confirm. We were praying for a miracle but there were none to be found. This time the baby wasn’t face down which made the image in my mind better. However, this was done again without my husband back there yet. That’s the one thing I would have changed. You need your spouse there for that. They deserve just as much to see that. (We are asking for images for my husband).

They took blood to run Karyotype screening.

This was during the pre op getting me prepped before my husband could come back and see me off.

When the nurse was hooking me up I would just cry randomly. She wouldn’t say anything. Just hand me tissues. They were so respectful and nice.

Was time to go. Kissed my husband and out I went. They had already given me anxiety medicine to help with any fear.

Got into the room and all I remember is having to switch tables and then they gave me oxygen and I was out.

Woke up in the recovery room and just cried and cried and cried. Telling the nurses how devastated I was. How much We love that baby bean. (We had nicknamed the baby bean after a nickname my husband gave me years ago “lover bean ” )

My Husband was allowed back and we just sat there in silence.

Now after everything is over. The feeling of emotions rush all the time. There isn’t a day we don’t cry. There isn’t a moment that goes by that we don’t think of the baby. With the genetic testing the drs are doing with the baby we will honor the baby with a name and knowing the gender and will announce it eventually.

The genetic testing is a very through series of tests that will let us know more. We could find out the baby was fine and that it just didn’t survive. At that point our fertility specialist is prepared to test other things on us to help us find answers. This may be the 4th miscarriage. This may be the farthest we have gotten. This does not mean we are giving up the fight.

The genetic testing looks at chromosome abnormalities and infection that could have caused the babies death. These results can take 6-8 weeks.

With so much emotion my husband wanted to join the blog with his perspective. I honestly don’t know what I would do with out him. He’s been there everytime I need him. Every cry.

Stay tuned for part II from Husband Flora.

Stay classy and know you’re not alone,

A Flora

What Not to Expect, and How To’s

When things happen to us it’s so easy for us to feel that the world is frozen in time and you’re trying to just get through the frozen ness and melt it slowly so you can digest and get your brain to grasp on and wrap your head around it all. It’s so easy to not be able to know how to react either..

This post is more about the journey but also staying true to your beliefs. What are beliefs? Beliefs are simple things. Example: I believe that if I am open and honest I’ll have successful relationships. Beliefs turn into habits. Sometimes we can have bad habits that stem from a negative belief. So know that this is a way I and my Husband live. We live by also altering the way we react and respond to things. We are human though and humans make mistakes. I’ll be he first to admit when I make a mistake. Making a mistake makes me feel awful. Sometimes when we make mistakes we justify deny and lay blame on things or people. This makes it easier for us to feel better about making that mistake. Will I be able to be self aware and mindful of my actions if I do that tho? No.

This will all make sense when I tell you what has been happening.

We had our first fertility appointment a few weeks ago. Which consisted of a sit down consultation. Nothing can prepare you for this open raw hour and a half that feels like an eternity moment in your life if you’re going down this path. This moment was to bring up anything and everything. Air out all your laundry about the bedroom life, your cycle, your miscarriage(s), the entire history of you down there. Not only that but then your spouse, his life in the bedroom, looking at his numbers (from tests) and discussing both of your lifestyles. What you eat, what you drink, what you do, what you’re around.

You may have expectations of this appointment and I’d say set the bar low. Everyone told me that this would bring so much to light and instead I ended up being an emotional roller coaster. Especially when talking about all of the womanly struggles as a teen in and out of the hospital and into the miscarriages. The Dr. is very nice and caring and understanding. But the pain you feel is like reopening a door you put a pad lock on and used bolt cutters to open it. It wasn’t wanting to be opened again. It was healed and ready to move forward. I had to remind myself to be open and not to deny myself of anything that could help.

Once we got through all of the history the Dr wanted to discuss our numbers on some tests. His count was ok, his motility was less than half of what it should be. So she wanted to run that test again to see if it’s repetitive. She looked at my levels and said everything looked ok. Her concern was after 7 years of unprotecting there should be something. So in her words “we are a mystery ”

She had a list for us to begin. One was for me to begin taking baby aspirin one a day all through ovulation and keep going until she tells me to stop. Google it, seriously. She was right, there are tons of articles out there where findings have been by doing that one simple thing it fertilizes your egg to accept and keep it instead of your body rejecting it. I was on board to try it.

Next on the list was for his motility, stop smoking, boxers that are loose not briefs, better diet, lighten up on the alcohol intake, no computers or cell phone by nether regions, a big one was to increase antioxidants. And to get another test done. He began all of this. Went in for his next test and just by shifting a few of those his motility came back up.

Next was to check my thyroid levels. Immediately after the appointment I went into a room to begin to get my blood drawn.

Getting blood drawn is easy. They find the vein and draw what they need. Through this process I’m used to getting it done 2x every other week. This time at the fertility office the girl asked me to tell her if it hurt. Or if the strap was too tight. That was a first. Then she collapsed my vein. Then asks a co worker to come in and help. She comes in and collapses the other vein. And we’re still trying to stick me. By the 4th stick I asked if I could leave and come back. So I rescheduled, went to the car and just cried. As weird as it may sound that little of a problem brought out a lot of emotions. When already on a emotional journey.

Now with arms full of bruises I have to work. So I quickly get those tears Wiped off and head to work with a smile.

The next day they wanted me to come back. I was so scared I moved it to later in the week. I get in the day I go back and they tell me “oh this has been happening to us all morning, do you know how normal it is for this to happen?” All because I requested an experienced person. So they try again. Again collapsed but now 5 veins. This time instead of crying in the car I’m now crying in the office in front of them… Great, How embarrassing…

the nurse tells me to come back eat before and also that she’s going to call me in a Xanax … great, drug me up before.

I still haven’t gone back. I requested that my order be sent to my obgyn office where they draw my blood all the time and never have problems.

Working on:

Taking notes on him needing antioxidants and new boxers and watching both diets even closer and taking 1 baby aspirin a day during ovulation and a clear blue test. Next blog I will review the clear blue ovulation kit as they have sponsored!

Antioxidants: keep in the fridge. They are delicious

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00XALTMZK/ref=mp_s_a_1_3_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1539446985&sr=8-3&keywords=biovi+probiotic&dpPl=1&dpID=51l8JLvSVlL&ref=plSrch

Boxers: t shirt material and cost effective

https://www.target.com/p/men-s-knit-boxer-shorts-5pk-goodfellow-co-153/-/A-53206885?preselect=53190284#lnk=sametab

Aspirin: 1 a day during ovulation and after

https://www.target.com/p/aspirin-nsaid-pain-reliever-enteric-safety-coated-tablets-500ct-up-up-153-compare-to-the-active-ingredient-in-bayer-low-dose-aspirin/-/A-14504108

In the journey I’ve been painting. Here’s the most recent

Water color painting by: Ashley Flora

Hummingbirds: It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol – further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity. … The prime message of the hummingbird animal totem is: “The sweetest nectar is within!”

Thanks so much for reading and stay classy and know you’re not alone in the journey.

– A Flora

Courage Is Stronger Than The Fear

Have you ever had the complete guts to put your self out there and go for something? As in soccer, or dance. You go for it, you have all the courage in the world then when you get the results that’s the nerving part.

With this whole trying to get pregnant with miscarriage situation is like a roller coaster. High highs and really low lows. One minute you’re on top of the world proud that you went for it and know you knocked it out of the park and the next your heart is broken to pieces.

This blog post might be helpful for those going through something similar and to know you’re not alone. Also helpful to those that haven’t to understand it a little more. Information of what the warning signs are of a miscarriage early or farther along.

Before I get into the warning signs, I’ll share what has happened first hand and multiple different ways.

First time this ever happened was back in 2013. Never got a pregnancy test that was positive. However was 3.5 weeks late. Had every symptom of being pregnant ( metal taste in mouth, swollen chest, missed period, bubble feeling in stomach) and all of a sudden on a day my husband was at work there I was doubled over in pain. Not able to move and passing massive amounts of blood and clots. Went to my OBGYN and she confirmed it that it was in-fact an early miscarriage and just to keep trying.

Fast forward to this year. March 30 went in and had a colposcopy done. One of the most painful and traumatizing experiences. They found precancerous cells and removed them.

After healing from that we have been trying since and since Last June again.

This June we had a positive test. We were so excited. I remember that morning we saw it first smiling. Put our foreheads together and just hugged for 2-3 minuets feeling so happy. We were waiting a few weeks then would go into see the dr. To confirm and check in.

On a Friday night we went out on a date. I was having some mild pain that day but nothing crazy. We go to dinner and I keep having these weird tightening pains. My stomach would get really hard then it would go away. Recurring every 30 min. Then the times just kept getting closer. We were going to go to a movie but instead I went to bed not feeling well. In the morning we woke up and I told my husband I wanted to go get some Tylenol because maybe that might help the pain. It was every 10 min at this point. When we got to the store I told him to go in because I couldn’t control my legs. The pain was radiating down my legs and up my back. The pain was now a level 10 and less than 5 min apart. I was in the target parking lot in the car doubled over in pain screaming so loud. My husband got back to the car and I was crying and screaming. Of course he was scared and as was I. We went home called the on call obgyn nurse and she said I was experiencing a miscarriage. 1st loss this year.

Now onto the next one, second loss this year was early August. (The dr told us to wait a month in between so we did) This time no positive test. But same thing again except this time was at work. Had to cancel the rest of the day and drive home 3 hours to rush to see the dr. (This was so challenging and terrifying because my husband is at work and he was in meetings) (also driving in this pain and trying not to cry) This time I passed a sack of something that was pinkish Gray. Once I got to the Dr. they confirmed it again and ordered an ultrasound.

He and I went back for our ultrasound and they said that everything looks normal now. And to just keep trying. I had to ask my Dr how many losses we have to go through before something is figured out. Obviously it’s not sticking.

This time my husband and I were even more broken than before. Those that have had this happen understand. Those that haven’t I would never wish this on anyone. The grieving you go through is so challenging and painful.

If you have cramping and contractions and radiating pain followed with severe bleeding the best thing to do is call the dr and have someone with you. Someone who loves you.

They may not be able to do much but to have that comfort and support helps you to feel not alone.

If you have clotting or pass something call the on call dr.

You will have an irregular cycle for months after. With severe bleeding. It can take a full 2-3 weeks before your body is recovered from a miscarriage and a few months till your cycles are recovered.

We have been referred to fertility and have our first fertility consultation this week. Stay tuned for more.

Stay classy and know you’re not alone

A.Flora

Ps thank you for following our journey. I hope this is helping at least 1 person 💗

You’ll Always Be Our Favorite What If…

What if? What if… What if?! What if!

What if you were here? What if you had made it? You want to know what if? I’ll tell you what. You’d be the most loved by the two of us. You’d be strong and brave and grow.

I know this is not the best of how things should go… but think about it. How are you going to feel? You never know. At least cry once a day.

Every day is so hard. To have the strength to get up is the hardest.

“One of the hardest challenges in this journey is those close to you that don’t know what to say or do so they leave you alone and that is challenging ”

When you look back all you have is yourself and maybe your significant other if they understand. Mine cries with me believe it or not and that is so heart breaking to see a man cry. I’m just fortunate that he’s so understanding and the biggest support in all of this.

There’s been a good amount of reach out from people I know. Which is incredible. It’s just the ones that are closer that just ignore it or don’t know what to say so they don’t and that’s hurtful. Especially when it’s made to feel that others problems are more than our loss. Trust me I know it’s hard. However to pretend nothing happened hurts more. It’d be as if someone lost someone and I never mentioned their name again. They still existed and pretending like life is good doesn’t help that void.

You may not be able to physically see this or know what it’s like. But checking in and just letting those around you that are going through a miscarriage or a loss know that you are there for them helps more than you realize.

Just the few that have reached out really made my heart feel so loved. As some days it’s hard to peel yourself from the bed to put on that smile and “action!” Acting your way through it all.

This past week we went in for another test. An ultrasound internal and external. They confirmed that everything “looks great” then started discussing more on how the DR wants to track the cycles now… I just looked at her and said

“so what’s the causes of the continuing losses? As these two are not just out of the blue. I had another one 4 years ago (which I had told her previously) ”

Dr states that this can be a chemical reaction or genetic. That the egg and sperm just aren’t genetically matching to survive. so now we are doing blood work to see what chemical levels.

They collected seven vials of blood. Definitely not a fun time.

The nurses were so nice. I’m not great at blood work anyway so definitely nice to have the ice pack after. Not to mention this is the 4-5th time for blood work in the last 2 months.

She said “After the test results come back if all is normal just keep trying. At least you know you can”

I just looked up and said “How many times should I have to go through this with out finding exactly out what’s going on and how to help this to not happen?” She also didn’t recognize my husband when she came in saying she wasn’t sure if they had met yet and shook his hand like this was her first time meeting him. And she is the one that ordered his sperm count lab work and had two lengthy conversations with the two of us. I know you’re probably thinking “just switch doctors” and I agree. However she is nice and I will say after I said that now she’s willing to send me to a fertility specialist. So once labs return if all is good then we will be going that route. We just wanted to see before drugs and all of that $$$ if we could achieve it on our own.

Clearly we are struggling and trying our best. Last night my husband surprised me with the below image. I busted out crying. Something so small meant the world to me.

Thanks for reading.

Stay classy and know you’re not alone.

– Flora

Do I want children?

As I’m sitting here deciding what my first post should be about I was thinking back to how long we have been TTC (trying to conceive). We are going on 7 years of TTC off and on. To give an overview in a short version let’s get to story telling.

Ever since I was young I had major allergies and always have the weirdest reactions to medication etc. I guess you can call me a sensitive person or that I get sick easily. It’s just how I’m made just how you’re made in a unique way.

I have been in and out of the ER and DR many times regarding being a woman. Either I cramp too much, loose too much blood or may have a disease. After numerous tests, many dr visits they had told me at 21 that I would most likely not be able to conceive a child or if I did it wouldn’t survive. I know, I know… drs do not always know. Your thought is valid. So there I went to keep trying to prove that wrong. When I got married I was told I had what’s called vaginismus. Involuntary spasms and contractions with out me knowing. Was also tested for endometriosis. Do not have that but definitely the other along with dysmenorrhea which is a fever, heavy cycle, high pain for 7 days every month.

In 2011 I decided to get more into how to fix this. Went through rounds of physical therapy and just didn’t work for me. Countless nights crying wondering what is wrong with me.

On top of it all the questions… “do you want children”

So yes we do. And began the trying. We had a miscarriage in 2012 and now two again this year.

“Well maybe it’s not the right time, it will happen when the time is right”

“Well at least you know it works and you can get pregnant “

“Well I hope they can find out what’s wrong with you.”

“How far along were you? If it was early then it’s not that bad”

Or better yet, ignoring it and not saying anything. Or hearing about it and not asking how you are doing. I love that too.

Oh, I’m ok. Just sitting over here thinking something is wrong with me. And no I don’t know if it works. I can’t even keep a baby. And when will the time be right? 7 years of trying off and on! It’s not like it’s been 6 months.

People never know what to say and it’s such a touchy subject. But if someone is sharing such a vulnerable subject with you be cautious and just say “I’m here for you” or “I’m here to listen” or “I am so sorry, you’re not alone, I’m here for you” because you do immediately feel alone. Or like something is wrong with you.

So just to give the recent story, I went to the dr and established an appointment to have a goal of getting pregnant this year 2018. Went in in Jan and cried the entire visit. It hurt so bad emotionally and physically. Exams are the scariest part. The pain is so terrifying and extreme. After the exam she referred me to another round of physical therapy. (Great…) and someone to talk to that is a support group for “people like me” (great) what a way of again confirming something is in fact wrong with me.

Second she ran tests now to check my levels and his. That checks out fine.

My pap results came back negative and I had to go for a colposcopy. Most painful experience of my life. March 30-31 so painful. Found out I have precancerous cells. So they are “watching me”

Now after 2 miscarriages in 6 months I am awaiting an ultrasound to run more tests and to see what next steps are.

Thank you for following this journey. This is something that I hope I can inspire others to cope and others to be more aware.

Stay classy and know you’re not alone.

– Flora

The Journey Begins

Hi, Thanks for joining me! This blog is to get informed. Have a resource if you’re struggling conceiving. As well as to know you’re not alone. Or to simply watch the journey.

This space is a safe space. A safe space to share what is like and what it feels like. Getting the data out and finding what works. And if not then a way to just relate.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

 

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