This week is Infertility awareness week. For me this this all the time. Not just a week or a month.
As I sit here thinking of all the feelings it’s been interesting and overwhelming to say the least. Our journey has been filled with countless tears and fear. Not only that but joy, loss, rawness, smiles, heartache and much more. When we think back on the 7 year fertility journey we always think of the tough times. The loss. The unknowns. What we think of now is that we didn’t give up. Through all that and seeing true colors of others we didn’t give up. We pushed through. We stayed true to ourselves and opened up our voices to a taboo subject even though many didn’t agree with being to vocal about it.
We are seeing a lot of struggle. A lot of loss of those around us. The rates just keep getting bigger and more. We watch those in silence hurt. Attend baby showers, go through a pandemic and just seem “ok” to you. No, they are hurting and they are struggling. They can’t find the words to speak about it. We find outlets. Maybe one is writing but maybe one is burying yourself in your career like I do. Or staying silent and telling those closest to you. Doing a hobby like painting or makeup. It all is a way of dealing and healing. Broken hearts that will not be put back together the same.
When we look at what is happening currently I have felt resentful. Resentful that this is our time and that it’s during a pandemic. That things aren’t the norm for us even when it’s our turn. However I have to find joy I have to. Even though I can’t lie I cry almost daily. Daily to the fact that we have NO family here. We have a great neighbor support system. But still no family here. I think it’s easy too for others to forget what you’ve gone through in loss to get to this point that they forget to check on you. They might check in on baby. However they aren’t checking in on you to see how you are feeling. How are you mentally? We have experienced more loss than some. However, usually when someone is pregnant they go ok, and check in quarterly then baby’s here and no problems. My resentment lies in the arms of the ones that know our struggle and know how hard things have been and just silver lining this pregnancy. Only check in on baby. Sorry to be so blunt however through blogging you have appreciated this. The thing is is that no one can feel how you feel. No one can fully understand how you feel. During all of this the biggest challenge has been to explain how I or we feel during this to others. I can’t stress enough the fear of labor and delivery I have. Since a kid I have feared that part. My husband is my rock. We are each other’s rocks. During this pandemic it’s scary. He’s been asked to go back to work before things have been lifted. Fear I tell you. We are 4 weeks away from being due.
Today marks week 36. Saw the ob and they did a depression test to check in on possible postpartum depression getting the best of me. If you remember with the loss of Laila I was diagnosed with it. They explained the difference today between postpartum blues and depression. They are different. Due to our journey and the pandemic and no family here it’s just the two of us. They have given solutions for during this time to see how it helps. The plan was for my parents to be here my mom was going to join my husband as a support person in the delivery room. This is the first. The first we will never get back. So to turn this around we have began a playlist for delivery! Still completing it. However it’s a start and something positive. My medical team is amazing. They have really lifted our spirits and are so fortunate for them.
All that being said, what we thought would help is being active and doing something to channel our emotions and fears and feelings. March of dimes just like last year. We are doing a team for step up. It’s to help those that are delivering during covid 19 and support for moms and babies that struggle. This speaks to our hearts and if you’d like to be apart of our virtual walk team let me know and I will send you the link to sign up. It’s in honor of baby flora on the way and all those moms that have struggled to today and the moms that are delivering during a pandemic and moms that it’s their first time after loss during a pandemic. Join us in this community of support.
We are beyond grateful for this opportunity and what is going to happen. We have been journaling about this whole experience to show down the road years later when it’s not so fresh in our minds what it was like.
We are also finding joy in projects. One of which has been creating an oasis to escape to and meditate, relax and just be in our back yard. Planting plants to watch them grow and spending quality time together.
Thank you for reading and thank you for all your support. We want to change the voice of loss and make it easier for others to talk about. Let’s give support and love to those around us no matter what. You never know what someone is going through or has gone through. Always be kind.