Do I want children?

As I’m sitting here deciding what my first post should be about I was thinking back to how long we have been TTC (trying to conceive). We are going on 7 years of TTC off and on. To give an overview in a short version let’s get to story telling.

Ever since I was young I had major allergies and always have the weirdest reactions to medication etc. I guess you can call me a sensitive person or that I get sick easily. It’s just how I’m made just how you’re made in a unique way.

I have been in and out of the ER and DR many times regarding being a woman. Either I cramp too much, loose too much blood or may have a disease. After numerous tests, many dr visits they had told me at 21 that I would most likely not be able to conceive a child or if I did it wouldn’t survive. I know, I know… drs do not always know. Your thought is valid. So there I went to keep trying to prove that wrong. When I got married I was told I had what’s called vaginismus. Involuntary spasms and contractions with out me knowing. Was also tested for endometriosis. Do not have that but definitely the other along with dysmenorrhea which is a fever, heavy cycle, high pain for 7 days every month.

In 2011 I decided to get more into how to fix this. Went through rounds of physical therapy and just didn’t work for me. Countless nights crying wondering what is wrong with me.

On top of it all the questions… “do you want children”

So yes we do. And began the trying. We had a miscarriage in 2012 and now two again this year.

“Well maybe it’s not the right time, it will happen when the time is right”

“Well at least you know it works and you can get pregnant “

“Well I hope they can find out what’s wrong with you.”

“How far along were you? If it was early then it’s not that bad”

Or better yet, ignoring it and not saying anything. Or hearing about it and not asking how you are doing. I love that too.

Oh, I’m ok. Just sitting over here thinking something is wrong with me. And no I don’t know if it works. I can’t even keep a baby. And when will the time be right? 7 years of trying off and on! It’s not like it’s been 6 months.

People never know what to say and it’s such a touchy subject. But if someone is sharing such a vulnerable subject with you be cautious and just say “I’m here for you” or “I’m here to listen” or “I am so sorry, you’re not alone, I’m here for you” because you do immediately feel alone. Or like something is wrong with you.

So just to give the recent story, I went to the dr and established an appointment to have a goal of getting pregnant this year 2018. Went in in Jan and cried the entire visit. It hurt so bad emotionally and physically. Exams are the scariest part. The pain is so terrifying and extreme. After the exam she referred me to another round of physical therapy. (Great…) and someone to talk to that is a support group for “people like me” (great) what a way of again confirming something is in fact wrong with me.

Second she ran tests now to check my levels and his. That checks out fine.

My pap results came back negative and I had to go for a colposcopy. Most painful experience of my life. March 30-31 so painful. Found out I have precancerous cells. So they are “watching me”

Now after 2 miscarriages in 6 months I am awaiting an ultrasound to run more tests and to see what next steps are.

Thank you for following this journey. This is something that I hope I can inspire others to cope and others to be more aware.

Stay classy and know you’re not alone.

– Flora

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