You’ll Always Be Our Favorite What If…

What if? What if… What if?! What if!

What if you were here? What if you had made it? You want to know what if? I’ll tell you what. You’d be the most loved by the two of us. You’d be strong and brave and grow.

I know this is not the best of how things should go… but think about it. How are you going to feel? You never know. At least cry once a day.

Every day is so hard. To have the strength to get up is the hardest.

“One of the hardest challenges in this journey is those close to you that don’t know what to say or do so they leave you alone and that is challenging ”

When you look back all you have is yourself and maybe your significant other if they understand. Mine cries with me believe it or not and that is so heart breaking to see a man cry. I’m just fortunate that he’s so understanding and the biggest support in all of this.

There’s been a good amount of reach out from people I know. Which is incredible. It’s just the ones that are closer that just ignore it or don’t know what to say so they don’t and that’s hurtful. Especially when it’s made to feel that others problems are more than our loss. Trust me I know it’s hard. However to pretend nothing happened hurts more. It’d be as if someone lost someone and I never mentioned their name again. They still existed and pretending like life is good doesn’t help that void.

You may not be able to physically see this or know what it’s like. But checking in and just letting those around you that are going through a miscarriage or a loss know that you are there for them helps more than you realize.

Just the few that have reached out really made my heart feel so loved. As some days it’s hard to peel yourself from the bed to put on that smile and “action!” Acting your way through it all.

This past week we went in for another test. An ultrasound internal and external. They confirmed that everything “looks great” then started discussing more on how the DR wants to track the cycles now… I just looked at her and said

“so what’s the causes of the continuing losses? As these two are not just out of the blue. I had another one 4 years ago (which I had told her previously) ”

Dr states that this can be a chemical reaction or genetic. That the egg and sperm just aren’t genetically matching to survive. so now we are doing blood work to see what chemical levels.

They collected seven vials of blood. Definitely not a fun time.

The nurses were so nice. I’m not great at blood work anyway so definitely nice to have the ice pack after. Not to mention this is the 4-5th time for blood work in the last 2 months.

She said “After the test results come back if all is normal just keep trying. At least you know you can”

I just looked up and said “How many times should I have to go through this with out finding exactly out what’s going on and how to help this to not happen?” She also didn’t recognize my husband when she came in saying she wasn’t sure if they had met yet and shook his hand like this was her first time meeting him. And she is the one that ordered his sperm count lab work and had two lengthy conversations with the two of us. I know you’re probably thinking “just switch doctors” and I agree. However she is nice and I will say after I said that now she’s willing to send me to a fertility specialist. So once labs return if all is good then we will be going that route. We just wanted to see before drugs and all of that $$$ if we could achieve it on our own.

Clearly we are struggling and trying our best. Last night my husband surprised me with the below image. I busted out crying. Something so small meant the world to me.

Thanks for reading.

Stay classy and know you’re not alone.

– Flora

Do I want children?

As I’m sitting here deciding what my first post should be about I was thinking back to how long we have been TTC (trying to conceive). We are going on 7 years of TTC off and on. To give an overview in a short version let’s get to story telling.

Ever since I was young I had major allergies and always have the weirdest reactions to medication etc. I guess you can call me a sensitive person or that I get sick easily. It’s just how I’m made just how you’re made in a unique way.

I have been in and out of the ER and DR many times regarding being a woman. Either I cramp too much, loose too much blood or may have a disease. After numerous tests, many dr visits they had told me at 21 that I would most likely not be able to conceive a child or if I did it wouldn’t survive. I know, I know… drs do not always know. Your thought is valid. So there I went to keep trying to prove that wrong. When I got married I was told I had what’s called vaginismus. Involuntary spasms and contractions with out me knowing. Was also tested for endometriosis. Do not have that but definitely the other along with dysmenorrhea which is a fever, heavy cycle, high pain for 7 days every month.

In 2011 I decided to get more into how to fix this. Went through rounds of physical therapy and just didn’t work for me. Countless nights crying wondering what is wrong with me.

On top of it all the questions… “do you want children”

So yes we do. And began the trying. We had a miscarriage in 2012 and now two again this year.

“Well maybe it’s not the right time, it will happen when the time is right”

“Well at least you know it works and you can get pregnant “

“Well I hope they can find out what’s wrong with you.”

“How far along were you? If it was early then it’s not that bad”

Or better yet, ignoring it and not saying anything. Or hearing about it and not asking how you are doing. I love that too.

Oh, I’m ok. Just sitting over here thinking something is wrong with me. And no I don’t know if it works. I can’t even keep a baby. And when will the time be right? 7 years of trying off and on! It’s not like it’s been 6 months.

People never know what to say and it’s such a touchy subject. But if someone is sharing such a vulnerable subject with you be cautious and just say “I’m here for you” or “I’m here to listen” or “I am so sorry, you’re not alone, I’m here for you” because you do immediately feel alone. Or like something is wrong with you.

So just to give the recent story, I went to the dr and established an appointment to have a goal of getting pregnant this year 2018. Went in in Jan and cried the entire visit. It hurt so bad emotionally and physically. Exams are the scariest part. The pain is so terrifying and extreme. After the exam she referred me to another round of physical therapy. (Great…) and someone to talk to that is a support group for “people like me” (great) what a way of again confirming something is in fact wrong with me.

Second she ran tests now to check my levels and his. That checks out fine.

My pap results came back negative and I had to go for a colposcopy. Most painful experience of my life. March 30-31 so painful. Found out I have precancerous cells. So they are “watching me”

Now after 2 miscarriages in 6 months I am awaiting an ultrasound to run more tests and to see what next steps are.

Thank you for following this journey. This is something that I hope I can inspire others to cope and others to be more aware.

Stay classy and know you’re not alone.

– Flora

The Journey Begins

Hi, Thanks for joining me! This blog is to get informed. Have a resource if you’re struggling conceiving. As well as to know you’re not alone. Or to simply watch the journey.

This space is a safe space. A safe space to share what is like and what it feels like. Getting the data out and finding what works. And if not then a way to just relate.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

 

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